


Life in Limbo

by asiriusfan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Angst, Angst and Feels, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Drama, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Post Hogwarts AU, Post-Hogwarts, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 08:17:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4659357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asiriusfan/pseuds/asiriusfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Limbo, noun - </p><p>1. an imaginary place for lost, forgotten, or unwanted persons or things,<br/>2. an unknown intermediate place or condition between two extremes,<br/>3. a prison or confinement</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

_"Ouch! James…can we leave? I just rolled onto a stick."_

_"Not yet, the sun hasn't set!"_

_Lily groaned. "We've been sitting on this beach for hours. I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm tired. And hot. And possibly bruised." She turned to her boyfriend, who was still staring up at the sky expectantly. "And I really don't care about the sun anymore."_

_"You can't_ not care _about the sun, it's setting! It's romantic!"_

_"But why is it romantic? Because everyone else thinks it is? Maybe we're just not sunset people."_

_"Don't be ridiculous, of course we're sunset people. Everyone's sunset people."_

_"I've no idea why you've built this up in your head so badly-"_

_"That's just it," James burst out, turning to Lily as if that was the opening he was waiting for. "Things like this…they're supposed to be perfect. You build them up in your head, you know? I mean, you hear about the colors the sky makes and you imagine just watching this miracle with the person you love, and you can't imagine it could be anything less than what you picture. So you chase after it. But the thing is, once you really experience it…it's flawed. I mean, there are bugs everywhere, you're sweating like mad, and you've got sand in places you don't even want to begin to talk about. It's nothing like what you thought it'd be. And most of the time, that would be disappointing. But sometimes, and only if you're really lucky, it's not disappointing at all. Because sometimes once you get to experience what that thing you've been dreaming of is really like, you find that – somehow, miraculously - the flaws make it even more perfect. And unless you're really stupid, you hold on to that thing as tight as you can. Because you can't imagine going back to your life without it."_

_"James…"_

_"I'm many things, Lil, but I've never been stupid."_

_And that was when she saw the ring he was extending toward her._

* * *

_Lily hurriedly ran through the hall, passing door after identical door, looking for one in particular. Healers and Mediwizards called after her, offering her help, but she knew where she was going. Ignoring the people she was rushing past, she kept going until she saw a familiar face._  
  
_"Remus!" she called out, causing the wizard in question to look up. Beside him stood Sirius and Peter, midway through a conversation. She stopped in front of the trio. "How is he? They told me he's fine, but they won't let me see him. Is he in here?" She pointed to the door they were standing in front of, the door who's number she'd gotten from a piece of classified parchment she'd summoned from the patient information filing cabinet when the attending Mediwitch left to deal with the distraction she'd caused._  
  
_Remus seemed hesitant to answer. "Lily…"_  
  
_"They said he's fine," she repeated, more to assure herself than anything. "He's fine, right?"_  
  
_This time Remus spoke more directly. "His wounds aren't serious, he'll recover quickly…but Lily, there's something you need to know before you go in there."_  
  
_For the first time since she heard of the attack, Lily paused. Then, "Remus…what's wrong?"_


	2. Letting Loose

* * *

**One Year Later**

* * *

"Okay, so no going to the bathroom here unless it's an absolute emergency. I've never been so traumatized by a room in my life," the short blonde girl declared, throwing her clutch onto the high top table currently occupied by her two roommates before joining them.

"Nightclub bathrooms don't generally have a reputation of being upstanding, Em," Lily replied as she sipped her drink. "Not even the magical ones."

The room was dark, with people scattered throughout. Their table was one among many on the left side of the room, while couches and coffee tables were set up on the right. A large dance floor separated the two. Despite the seemingly low level of attendance, the music was blaring and the three girls had to practically shout at each other to be heard.

"Still," Emily responded, pushing her bangs out of her eyes, "you think they'd at least charm the mirrors to stay smudge-free."

"Most people who visit nightclub bathrooms aren't able to see straight enough to  _care_  how smudgy the mirrors are," replied the tall, black girl to Lily's right. She stared broodily at her companions' drinks. " _We_  wouldn't be able to see straight right now, if you would do this properly."

"I'm drinking, Katherine, look!" Lily held the drink up for her friend's inspection. Katherine snorted. Lily went on. "I don't see why inebriation and a night out have to go hand in hand for you, anyway."

"Because you are too bloody safe. We've lived together for what, almost a year now? And have you once flooed for me to come and side-along you back to the flat at three in the morning because you were too drunk to apparate without splinching yourself?"

"No, but you have quite a fe-"

"Exactly!" Katherine went on, ignoring the latter part of Lily's reply. "Not once have you ever let loose!"

"I  _let loose_ , just not in ways I'd regret afterwards."

"But those are the  _best ways_."

" _I_ don't think you're too safe, Lily," Emily chimed in. Lily shot Katherine a look as if to say, 'see?'

Katherine rolled her eyes. "You're only taking her side because you're already behind on your share of the rent," she shot back, stirring the ice in her empty cup.

"I still haven't settled in!"

"It's been two months!"

"And you guys did just fine without a third flatmate before that!"

"Okay, so maybe I'm starting to see how alcohol can make these lady's nights more enjoyable," Lily interrupted, downing the rest of her drink. She rose from her seat. "Anyone want refills while I'm up?"

"Yes, please!"

"Of course."

Lily left, dodging between tipsy patrons as she made her way to the bar.

"She really  _doesn't_  let loose all that often, does she?" Emily asked once the redhead was out of earshot.

Katherine shrugged. "She's just guarded."

"How come?"

Another shrug. "Not sure. I've only known her for a year. It took me a while to catch on, but eventually I started to notice that any time the topic got close to her life before that she'd change it. I know she went to Hogwarts. Gryffindor. And she has a sister in Cokesworth, but they don't talk." Katherine poked at the ice in her glass. "Other than that…she might as well have just popped out of nowhere when she answered my advert."

"Haven't her friends let you know anything?" Emily watched Katherine intently, her enrapture caused partly by the topic and partly by her own tipsiness.

Katherine shook her head. "I haven't met any."

"She doesn't have them over?"

"I don't think she has any at all."

"What? Of course she does, she has to know people other than us! And she's probably the nicest girl I've ever met, if a bit reserved."

"I'm telling you Em, unless she's been sneaking out at night the only thing she ever leaves the flat for is work. And she always comes straight home. I'd go mad if I followed her schedule, but she seems…fine. I used to bug her about it, but I could tell it upset her. So I stopped. And since then, it's just been a lot of the same."

"You have to be toying with me, she doesn't look anything like a hermit! I'll bet she has loads of friends, they just-"

"I may have spilled a bit, but it was only because some dodgy bloke kept knocking into me on my way back. Next time I'll need some reinforcements," Lily declared loudly as she returned. Emily stopped talking quickly. Katherine noted the two drinks in Lily's hands.

"Where's yours?" she asked with narrowed eyes.

"I've decided I'm done for the night."

Katherine groaned. "You're going to be the death of me, Evans. I asked for one night, just _one night_ -"

"And I'm giving it to you! I just want to remember it tomorrow, is all. You, however, have no such obligation. So drink."

Katherine shot her a dirty look but wasted no time in complying. "You won't drink," she started in as soon as she swallowed, "you won't dance, and you won't go anywhere too crowded. Remind me again how this is going to be fun?"

Lily smiled with faux sweetness. "Because I'm here, that's why. And there's nothing wrong with avoiding crowds, for your information."

"There is when it limits your available venues to this place and the post office."

"You know, you pout far too much-"

"Er, excuse me?" The interrupting voice caused all three girls to swivel in its direction. It was the bartender, emerged from behind the bar with a drink in hand. She looked toward Lily. "Sorry to interrupt, but this is for you." She held the drink out. "It's from the bloke on the couch over there."

Lily looked in the direction she indicated. A man was watching, not much older than her, with sandy blond hair and kind eyes. She didn't recognize him from Hogwarts, something she was inwardly glad of. She turned back to the bartender. "What's his name?"

"He didn't say, he just ordered this. Said you should have something to match your eyes. It's green apple, by the way," she added as Lily took the drink."

"Oh…no thank you." Lily quickly gave the drink back as the bartender raised her eyebrows. "That is, I don't like apples." Lily bit at her lip. "Thank you, though."

The bartender, clearly confused and slightly affronted, turned to head back as Katherine sighed loudly. "See? Another opportunity wasted. He is grade-A shaggable, and what do you do? You re-"

"Who said anything about wasting opportunities?" Lily asked with a smirk, bringing Katherine's rant to a halt. "I just don't like apples is all. As for you two, well," she stood and grabbed her bag, "don't wait up. How's that for letting loose?" And she turned away before Katherine could say another word.

She made her way toward the man on the couch, dodging between the occasional dancers, feeling nervous but also slightly free. It  _had_  been awhile since she'd stepped outside her comfort zone, and what was more outside her comfort zone than, as Katherine put it, a 'grade-A shag?'

Not that she was working toward that end result, per say. But starting a conversation with him certainly wouldn't hurt. And that was exactly what Lily intended to do when she reached her secret admirer, and was only kept from doing it because he spoke first.

"So, you've come all the way over here to tell me that you're taken? Hm, admirable effort. I respect that." His voice was soft and polite, and he leaned back into his seat as he spoke.

"No, I…why would you think that?"

"You rejected my drink. So if you're not taken, then why? I know it can't possibly be because you're not interested in me. I'm fascinating." His tone was casual and playful, but Lily noted there was no smirk on his face as he spoke. Lily smiled, grateful for that, and sat down beside him, feeling bolder than she had in months.

"It's just…apples aren't really my thing."

"Ah, I see. Strike one, I suppose. But that means I still have a few swings left, no?"

Baseball, not quidditch – another good sign. Lily laughed and offered her hand. "Lily Evans," she informed him.

"Caradoc Dearborn."

"Oh!" Caradoc's eyebrows raised at Lily's exclamation. "Sorry, it's just – I remember you. From school. You were a few years ahead of me."

"Was I? Huh, I don't remember you. I do remember your friend," he said, pointing at Katherine. "She was a year ahead of me. Doesn't seem like she remembers me, though…." Lily almost shared what she _did_  think of him, but thankfully thought better of it. Caradoc continued. "Odd that I don't remember you hanging around her…."

"Oh, I didn't know Kat at Hogwarts. I only met her a year ago. We're flatmates."

"Ah, well then."

They continued like that for about an hour, Caradoc doing most of the talking as Lily continuously pushed the conversation away from herself. Katherine and Emily had left long ago, along with almost everyone else. Soon the two were outside, walking aimlessly down the empty London street.

"So what is it you do, exactly? You never said," Lily asked as they rounded a corner.

"I…uh, well. I'm in London on business."

"Yes, but what business?"

"Oh, right. I, er, I work for a potion supplier. Wholesale cauldrons and the like…." Lily suspected that he wasn't being entirely truthful, but then again, she wasn't exactly spilling her darkest secrets either. "Well, this is me."

"Oh," Lily started as they stopped in front of a gray building. "I guess I didn't realize you lived so close. You're really right in the middle of things, aren't you?"

"Yeah well, this is where all the action is." He chuckled before going on. "Do you want to come up? You don't have to stay for very long or anything, it's just that there aren't many good apparition spots nearby. You can use my flat."

"Sure." Lily followed closely behind as they made their way up to the third floor of the dingy but quiet building.

"It was lucky I found this place, really. When I got sent here…on business, I thought I'd have a hard time finding a place to stay. But as soon as I arrived I found a bloke looking for a flatmate. We might run into him, actually. He's cool, though. You'd like him."

Lily hummed in acknowledgment as Caradoc lead her through his door. The flat was small and on the bare side. The living room held only a couch and an end table, with just a little clutter strewn about. Caradoc must have seen her noticing it, because he said, sheepishly, "Sorry about the mess."

"Oh, don't worry about it, I've seen wor-" Lily was interrupted by the sound of a door opening from within the flat.

"Oh, that must be him. Wonder why he's up." Caradoc turned toward Lily. "I'll just go let him know we've got company real quick."

Lily nodded as he disappeared into the hallway. She remained by the door, waiting. Finally, she heard footsteps and looked up, expecting to see Caradoc. Instead, a skinny man with messy black hair and glasses was making his way toward her, and Lily's whole body went numb at the sight of him. Her head spun as she tried to tell herself that she was imagining things, that she was dreaming, because this couldn't  _possibly_  be happening right now...

"So, you're Caradoc's friend?" the man asked,interrupting her frantic inner monologue and extending a hand toward her. "I'm his flatmate, James. James Potter. And you are?"

"L-lily," she managed, her throat alarmingly dry. "Lily Evans."

James smiled. "Nice to meet you, Lily Evans."

"Yeah," Lily mumbled, head spinning. "Pleasure."

* * *

**One Year Earlier**

* * *

_"Remus…what's wrong?"_

_"It's just that…well, he got pretty banged up."_

_"They said he's-"_

_"He_ is _fine," Remus interjected, but for all his rush to reassure her, he still seemed to be holding back. Slowly, he began to explain. "There were…a lot of curses flying around. And James did his fair share of flying around too, none of which was gentle on him. He got…banged up, and with the physical toll added to the magical injuries he sustained…it made it hard for the healers to figure out exactly what caused it. Which…makes it near impossible for them to reverse it."_

_Lily was holding her breath, unknowingly, as she asked, "Reverse what?"_

_Once more, Remus paused, and then, "He…he doesn't remember anything. Lily – he doesn't remember_ you _."_


	3. Resurgance

* * *

**One Year Earlier**

* * *

" _What do you mean he doesn't remember me?" Lily implored as mediwizards and Healers rushed passed, seemingly unaware that her world was teetering on the brink of total disintegration._ "Only _me?"_

_"Not only you," Remus quickly amended. "He doesn't remember…well, anything. They had to tell him his name. All he knows is he's a wizard and he's in the hospital. That's it."_

_"Is it…" Lily paused, taking a steadying breath before asking the question she wasn't sure she wanted answered. "Is it permanent?"_

_"No," Sirius interjected with the air of consoling a small child regarding the monster under her bed, but his expression lacked confidence. He was worried, too. "I mean, they don't think so. It'll take time, of course, but…they expect things will come back to him on their own. Eventually."_

_Lily wasn't sure who he was trying to convince more, her or himself._

* * *

**One Year Later**

* * *

"Ungh," Lily groaned into her pillow. She was woken up by the sounds of food cooking and music streaming through the wireless – and Katherine singing along in too high a pitch, of course. It's not that she wasn't used to being woken up by Katherine's obsession with large, extensive breakfasts, but she'd rather hoped that she'd be able to sleep in today. Or maybe just keep sleeping right through the entire week. Rolling over, Lily was hit with bright beams of light peeking through her curtains. With a sigh, she burrowed under her covers in avoidance.

She'd made it eight months. She'd packed everything she'd owned and busied herself with a fake life. She had fake friends, a fake job, and no real fiancé who couldn't even remember her name. And she'd made it eight months before that too was snatched away from her.

_"Right, Lily, this is James," Caradoc said as he walked back into the living room. "He works in potion supplies as well."_

_Lily nodded, now knowing what 'potion supplies' really meant. James smiled at the introduction, but Lily kept her eyes focused on Caradoc. "Wow, really?" she said, unintentionally dryly. "That's…interesting. Listen, um, I'm gonna take off now, so thank you for walking me."_

_Caradoc frowned slightly, and whether he was noticing her shaky hands, wavering voice, or just the fact that she seemed on the edge of tears she didn't know. "Oh sure, no problem. You can apperate from here, if you'd like."_

_"Oh I'll just walk actually," she replied, trying to duck out as quickly as she could. "Fresh air and all that. Thanks for the drink." She turned and made for the door._

_"O-okay," Caradoc replied, clearly confused. "Good night, Lily."_

_"See you around, Evans."_

_Lily tensed up at the voice, trying to find some line to throw out. But somehow even a simple "yeah, sure" seemed too much for her, and she left instead._

Just thinking of last night caused frustration to prickle at her eyes and tug at her throat, and she took a steadying breath to get a grip on these newly resurged emotions – she'd spent so long choking them all down and now it was all she could do to keep them from exploding out of her. Burying herself even deeper, she decided that she would not be getting up today.

Until a knock on her door changed that.

"Lily?" The door opened and Katherine poked her head in. "Lily, are you up?"

Reluctantly, Lily pulled herself out of her cocoon. Peeking out ever so slightly, she answered moodily, "I am now."

Katherine's face immediately slipped into a grin. "Good, because you have a visitor." When Lily only looked confused, she added, "A  _male_  visitor."

Lily sat up rather quickly. "What? Who?"

"Well I don't know, do I? You never bloody bring anybody over." She leaned against the door frame as Lily got dressed. "Oh, but  _finally_. You didn't hook up with him, too, did you? Lily Evans, did you walk into an orgy last night?"

" _Merlin_ , Kat, no!" The excitement on Katherine's face didn't wane at that admission. "I didn't hook up with anybody, I told you last night."

"Well, I was trying to forget that, wasn't I? I mean you have to admit, two blokes make the whole thing a bit more spicy."

"I don't want spicy," Lily replied, pulling her shirt over her head.

"Yeah, I know I know," she said with a few waves of her hand, as if her friend's less-than-scandalous behavior was somewhat of an inconvenience. "Anyway, he's on the couch." Katherine made her way back to the kitchen as Lily left her room, heading out to meet this mystery guest. A part of her suspected Caradoc, even though he had no way of getting her address and Katherine would have recognized him, because she didn't really have any idea of who else it  _could_  be.

As it was, this second reappearance of her past wasn't nearly as shocking as the first.

"Evans," the man said, standing up to his full height as she entered the room and pushing a bit of his too-long black hair out of his eyes.

"Sirius," Lily responded, her voice betraying none of the idle panic resonating throughout her.

They stood there for a minute, just staring at each other. Several thoughts seemed to pass through Sirius' mind in the silence, each one flittering ever so slightly across his face, while Lily's face, in stark opposition, seemed devoid of any emotion at all. It was Sirius who broke the stalemate.

"It's fucking great to see you, Lily." Lily remained silent, standing in the same spot as when she entered the room. After a moment, Sirius seemed to give up waiting for her to respond and walked forward to envelope her in a hug. Lily put a hand on his arm, but otherwise remained still.

"How did you find me?" She asked not because she was particularly concerned - after last night it didn't seem all that impossible, in fact it was almost probable – but because it seemed the sort of thing she should say in this situation, and she certainly wasn't in any position to come up with anything original.

Sirius pulled away, looking at her one last time before nodding. "I, uh, was in James' room last night. We were working on some stuff for the Order." Lily's face darkened at the mention of James and Sirius seemed to take notice, pushing forward quickly. "I thought I heard you talking, but I couldn't believe it. I figured I was hearing things; after all, it's been so long. So after you left I transformed and went to go look. Once I saw it  _was_  you, I followed you here."

"That's stalking, and it's illegal," she pointed out.

Sirius shrugged. "Desperate times and all that."

"Desperate?" Lily inquired dubiously.

"What, you thought you could just up and leave and it wouldn't affect anybody?" For the first time since he'd arrived, Sirius seemed a little irritated with her. It only lasted a second before it vanished, and Lily wondered whether she only imagined it simply because she was expecting it.

"Are you here to yell at me?" Lily asked, despondent.

Sirius shrugged. "Not yell, check."

"Check what?"

"Do you really need a list? That you're well off, that you're happy, that you're  _alive_." This time, Lily was sure the irritation was there.

"Well, I'm alive," she replied brusquely.

"Thankfully. You do realize you're a bit of a target, right?"

She did. Being a muggleborn ex-order member, she knew that she would be on any Death Eater hit list. So she'd been careful. She'd found flatmates to whom she had no previous connections and made sure they, in turn, had no connections to anybody else involved in the war. She'd gotten a job at a muggle antique shop in order to avoid a large magical population, and she'd made sure that both of those locations – her flat and her job – were on the side of town opposite from her old life. The only thing she'd kept was her name, simply because she couldn't bear to lose that too.

"I can take care of myself," Lily said, more for her own benefit than Sirius'.

"That doesn't mean you  _have_  to." He stared at her, waiting for her to say whatever came next. Somehow she doubted she'd be saying what he wanted to hear.

"That's easy for you to say," she countered, just barely above a mutter, "he remembers you."

Sirius sighed. "Lily, no he doe-"

"Did he say anything?" She cut him off, finally letting the question she'd been holding back burst vulnerably off her tongue. "After I left. Did he…I don't know, bring me up at all?"  _Did he think I looked familiar_ , her mind added silently, but she didn't need to say it out loud. The look Sirius gave her showed he understood.

Another sigh. "Lil-"

"Right," she interrupted again, straightening up. "Of course not. So if that's all, feel free to show yourself out." And with that she turned and made her way back to her room. It was rude, but Lily didn't care and Sirius didn't stop her. It was too much. She needed to be alone. She slammed the door behind her, breathing heavily. She made her way over to her vanity in two large strides and gripped the edge tightly. In the mirror, she saw wild red hair and equally frantic eyes. She saw flushed cheeks and chapped lips. She saw panic and despair and hurt and anger.

She saw herself from one year ago.

And so, closing her eyes and breathing deeply, she began to focus. Her name was Lily Evans. She was twenty years old. She shared a flat with Katherine and Emily and worked in a small muggle shop. And she repeated the mantra until that life was the only life that existed. Slowly, she washed away the past 12 hours, just as she had done to those two months in St. Mungo's all that time ago and every persistent memory that's popped up since then. It was almost easy by now. Almost.

"Lily?"

Lily straightened and turned, a practiced smile on her now calm face. "Yes?"

"Is everything all right?" Katherine looked concerned, and suddenly Lily realized that it was entirely possible for her to have heard that entire conversation.

"Of course, why do you ask?" She grabbed a hair brush before sitting on the edge of her bed, occupying herself with her morning-crazed locks in an attempt at nonchalance.

"I heard your door slam. Thought you might have gotten into a bit of a tiff." Seeing that Lily wasn't enraged, she abandoned her cautious post by the door and jumped onto the bed beside her friend.

"Oh, no," Lily negated with a smile. "Just slipped out of my fingers." Katherine nodded, seemingly satisfied with that answer, but Lily could sense what was coming next. She was going to ask who Sirius was, how he knew Lily, and what he was doing here, and Lily didn't have an answer (besides truthful ones, but she had no interest in giving those) for any of those questions. So Lily did what she'd become a near expert on over the past eight months – she diverted the attention away from herself.

"But you've made breakfast," she exclaimed, rising from her seated position. "That's perfect! I never get a chance to eat your breakfasts." She left the room, calling back over her shoulder without bothering to check if she was being followed. "What have you made?" She entered the kitchen to find Emily groggily eating something that looked like a cinnamon roll. She smiled at the redhead as she entered.

Katherine entered behind Lily and said, "Er, well you don't normally eat breakfast…."

Lily frowned. "What do you mean?"

Katherine pointed to the pan of rolls. "They're cinnamon apple."

Lily paused. "Oh." Lily considered just eating one to throw off any lingering suspicion that might have arisen due to her 'mystery man's' appearance, but found she just couldn't handle that right now. Not on top of everything else.

"That's okay," she said with faux brightness. "My shift starts in a half hour anyway. I'm sure Mr. Peterson would love me coming in a bit early to help out." She retreated to the living room, where she grabbed a jacket off the coat rack and made her way out the door, ignoring both her 'just-woke-up' look and her friends' curious glances.

She knew she was foolish to hope that her relocation would never be discovered, especially considering the talents of those who would want to find her. But she had to hold on to something, have hope for _something_ , because what she was running from was just about as hopeless as it gets.


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

**Ten Months Earlier**

* * *

" _Just remember," the mediwitch said as Lily nodded along nervously, "Try not to pressure him. He won't recognize you and trying to push him will only upset him. Introduce yourselves, explain that he's in a hospital, but don't tell him that he was attacked – just tell him that he was hurt but now he's getting better. Use simple words and small sentences. Make sure to introduce yourself every time you reenter the room. If you're going to touch him, warn him first. He may get overwhelmed and he may even get violent, just remember that that's the brain injury, not him. "_

_Lily kept nodding, trying to remember every bullet point on the increasing long list the woman was powering through. She was worried she might be in danger of getting overwhelmed herself._

" _He might ask the same questions multiple times, just be patient with him. That's the most important thing to remember – always be patient." The mediwitch shot her a small smile and patted her on the back, a clear indication that it was time for her to see her fiancé. Lily took a deep breath, and entered the room._

* * *

**Ten Months Later**

* * *

The bell above the door jingled cheerily as Lily pushed her way into the antique shop, the familiar smell of aged must greeting her as she did. Mr. Peterson, a thin old man with tufts of grey hair on either side of his head and ridiculously small glasses, ambled out from behind a stack of books at the sound.

"Lily," he said with a smile. "What brings you my way? I didn't think you were scheduled for today."

"I'm not," she said, pulling her bag over her head and stuffing it behind the counter. "But I didn't have anything better to do today, so I thought I'd stop by and help with those chairs you picked up last week." She smiled and made her way toward the storeroom in the back.

"They're already priced and on the floor, I'm afraid." He shot her a small, kind smile – compensation for not being able to fulfill her desire to be helpful.

"Oh." Lily frowned; she was expecting to kill the entire day with that. She stepped back toward her bag, but hesitated to grab it. Luckily, Mr. Peterson looked up from his books – a single finger in the air to signify the beginnings of an idea forming in his head – and spoke before she had the chance to just bite the bullet and leave.

"But, Ernie Beaumont put out word that he was expecting a load of maps at his shop and didn't have room for them all. If you wouldn't mind shelving these books for a bit, I could go see if I could persuade him to let a few loose." His lips twitched in that way that was so uniquely his, as if he had to fight to keep a giddy smile off his face at the idea of a good deal. Lily wished she could love her life as much as he seemed to love his.

Lily smiled. "Perfect."

The repetition of this mundane but familiar task was just as soothing as Lily'd hoped it would be. Soon it was enough to push everything from her mind, leaving only thoughts of alphabetization and musings on whether that barely-there title starts with an A or an O, and she found herself getting through the next two hours much the same way as she'd gotten through the past eight months. In fact, she was so caught up in her work that she didn't hear the bell signal a new arrival, and when she noticed someone watching her she jumped so badly she knocked over a stack of books to her right.

" _Christ_ , Remus —  _say_  something, don't just  _stand_  there," Lily said, hand over heart, still squatting beside the low shelf she'd been working on.

Remus, hands in his pockets and staring down at Lily with calculative eyes, shrugged. "I never know what to say in these situations — every other missing friend I've ambushed spoke first."

Lily almost felt her lip twitch at that, but instead she sighed and began righting the books she'd toppled to the floor. "Which department handles restraining orders against illegal animagi who use their abilities to track the movements of innocent young antiques dealers?"

"You'll have to forgive us for not wanting to give you another chance to vanish."

"I didn't  _vanish_ ," she said, correct only on a technicality.

"No," he began with the kind of brisk conversational tone that is clearly forced, "just moved across town, I've heard. Masking charms?" The inflection in his words indicated that Remus already knew the answer, so Lily didn't give him one. "I figured. Mad-Eye went ballistic trying to trace you, but I told him your charms were always top-notch. If you wanted to be hidden, you'd stay hidden."

Since Remus didn't seem like he was going to lower himself to her level any time soon, Lily stood up. Her limbs creaked in protest at stretching out after over forty-five minutes of squatting. "And he just gave up?"

"No, just delegated the search to back burner once he was sure you weren't going to spill any secrets."

"Of course I wouldn't do that," Lily said, slightly offended at her loyalties being questioned.

Remus shrugged again. "You can't blame him for worrying, not a lot of people just up and quit like that. Once you're in, you're in for life, generally." Remus' face darkened. "And things have been getting pretty bad lately, it didn't really make you look good."

"Bad how?" Trepidation prickled at the back of her thoughts, and for the first time since she'd left, she felt guilty about abandoning the Order at a time like this.

He looked around the empty store, then gestured to the back room. "Have some time?"

Lily paused, briefly considering lying and avoiding this conversation altogether, but she squashed that thought as soon as she had it — she was simply too curious. She nodded and led the way.

Lily put on tea as Remus took off his coat and sat at the small table where Lily took her lunches during workdays. It wasn't until she sat the cups on the table and joined him that he spoke next. "I shouldn't be telling you any of this, of course — since you've defected you're not exactly privy to our information." He paused, concentrating on the finger he was tapping against the table as if inwardly convincing himself to go on. "But…since you've never technically resigned in any sort of…official capacity, that means that —  _technically_  — you're still a member." Lily said nothing, sipping her tea as she waiting for him to give in to himself. He looked up. "There's a spy."

Lily waited for elaboration that never came. "There's a spy in…."

"In the Order, yes." He took a sip of tea. "Whoever they are…they got Dorcas killed."

Lily was glad she'd just finished setting her cup down, because her grip on it slackened considerably. "Dorcas?" she asked hoarsely, by means of confirmation. "Dorcas is dead?" She was only two years older than Lily…still so young. "How…how did…."

"She was ambushed on a patrol.  _He_  showed up – Voldemort; did her in himself." Lily gripped the table as her head spun. "That's what raised flags, anyway. He had no reason to show up for a simple ambush, not unless he knew she'd be there. She'd gotten a few good ones over on him lately, we reckoned he'd been after her for a while. That's why we weren't sending her on anything big."

Lily cleared her throat, trying to match Remus' calm — ( _ridiculous_ , her mind said,  _comparing your civilian's reaction to that of a soldier_. And then,  _when did Remus become a_ soldier _?_ ) —before going on. "Anything else?"

"You've heard about the McKinnons?"

Lily put her face into her hands, her palms pressing into her eyes as she croaked out, "Marlene?" She was another year older than Dorcas, and Lily didn't have many memories of her other than seeing her hanging around Gideon at meetings, but the news still shook her. All these people she used to stand with, she used to fight with, they're out there dying and she's in here, sticking price tags on grimy old mirrors.

"And her whole family." He paused. "We think we've ruled out foul play on that one, but I thought you should know."

Lily sat like that for a while, her mind still reeling, before something Remus said earlier clicked into place. "Wait…this makes me 'look bad'? They think I-"

"No," he quickly reassured her. "Well, at first it was a theory. But this is clearly somebody active. Lately the death eaters are step ahead of us far too often to be chance. It's somebody on the inside, but not higher up. The big secrets are still being kept."

"Which widens the pool considerably." Remus nodded, but didn't seem keen to share any theories. They finished their tea in silence before Lily changed the subject. "How've you been?"

Remus picked at some lint on his sleeve. "All right."

Lily watched as he avoided looking at her. That was his default answer, the one he gave to people he wasn't particularly close to; a lie exchanged during pleasantries and small talk. Distantly, Lily wondered if Remus still considered her a friend at all.

"Do you think you'll consider coming back?" Remus must've said something about leaving while Lily was distracted, because he was suddenly standing beside her chair, coat in hand.

"I…" but she choked on the word 'can't'. Everything about that life was tied up in tragedy, and even just the thought of it made her heart feel heavy in her chest. She tried to think of some way to articulate this to Remus, but was cut off before she had the chance.

"Right," Remus said with a quick nod, as if he hadn't expected anything different. He threw his coat on. "Perhaps I'll stop by again sometime. Assuming you don't take off again."

"Wait," Lily called out before he could leave. "You said the search for me is still on the back burner…are you…."

"Nobody's going to break the door down and drag you back by the ear, if that's what you're worried about. You're safe."

Remus left without another word, and Lily — still seated at the table, lost in her thoughts — never got back to the books by the time Mr. Peterson returned. As soon as he was, she was out the door and on her way home with just enough time for him to thank her for coming in. It seemed almost ridiculous that she was so shaken by what she'd learned — this was a  _war_ , the fighting didn't stop simply because she'd called time out.

And yet, that was her strategy for dealing with unpleasant situations, wasn't' it? If things were too difficult to handle, you just turn your back on them and they go away. And if things were  _far_  too difficult to handle, well, you just run away and create a new life. She was starting to see where there might be flaws in her methods….

But before Lily had time to conduct any real soul searching she was home, all thoughts of her personal problems gone as she pulled out her wand. Yesterday, coming home to a door left slightly open might've elicited an eye roll at Kat and her carelessness. Today — especially after the conversation she'd just had — she was a tad more vigilant.

She toed open the door, entering the flat wand first. She stood in the doorway and listened for any sounds of disturbance. The sitting room was neat, and for a brief second Lily thought that maybe she was overreacting. Then she heard what sounded like a slap, followed by a scream. Lily made her way quickly to the back of the flat, her blood running cold as she came upon Kat's bedroom. Kat and Emily were huddled in the corner, and it looked to Lily that their arms were bound. Kat had a black eye and a split lip, and Emily was sporting a large, bruised lump on her forehead. Both of them looked scared and confused.

Standing over them were two men; one was crouching over Kat, clearly the muscle of this operation, and the other was hanging back and observing. The second man's face was angled just enough for her to recognize him, and now that Lily knew what was going on, she sprang into action. Bounding through the door, Lily silently thrust her wand toward Nott, hitting him with a surge of magic strong enough to knock him back toward the window, which he promptly fell through. The other man turned and instantly began firing curses at Lily. Matching him strike for strike, Lily used the angle of her spells to guide him away from the girls, who were now scooting even further into the corner to avoid getting hit by any wayward magic.

A stinging hex caught Lily's left shoulder, and the Death Eater used her momentary distraction to hurl a blasting curse toward her. She ducked in time, but the hallway behind her exploded violently, and she was forced toward her opponent in order to avoid the falling wreckage. Thinking quickly, she ran toward him; the sudden charge confused him enough to allow her the perfect window to blast his wand out of his hand. It fell out the shattered window, and down the measly one floor drop to join Nott. She lunged forward and pined the man against the windowframe, her wand at his throat. "What are you doing here? What do you want from me?" she shouted, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it regardless. With a sneer, the man managed to push her off and twist around enough to jump ungracefully out the window. Lily heard a loud pop, and didn't have to look to know that he'd grabbed his partner and disapparated.

After taking a second to catch her breath — and calm her nerves — she turned toward her flatmates and began untying the ropes that were binding their arms. "Are you okay?" she asked, looking toward Emily — the girl seemed on the verge of tears. Emily nodded. "You can't stay here," Lily went on though she hardly thought that needed to be said. "You'll have to stay with a friend, or relatives. As long as they know where I am and who I'm in contact with they won't have any need to track you down again. All the same, you should make it difficult for them to find you, just in case. How much do you know about masking charms?"

"Just…just the theory," Emily replied, still clearly shaken.

"All right, I'll write a few down for you. You'll need to cast them as soon as you get to your new place." She turned to face Kat, who hadn't said a word so far. "Kat?"

"Bloody…buggering  _fuck_. All this time I thought you were just shy, or quiet, but you're some kind of…secret soldier! Those were his men, weren't they? You-Know-Who's?" Lily paused, then nodded. "So what are you, an auror? Were you here this whole time on some sort of undercover mission?"

"I'm not an auror," Lily said, but didn't elaborate.

"Like hell. I saw you — you're professionally trained, I know it." She waited for Lily to speak, then went on when she didn't. "Oh, so what? They just came 'round to ask you out on a date, is that it?"

"I've…tangled with them in the past, but I'm not an auror. And I haven't dealt with any of that since I've been here, I've been trying to get away."

Beside them, Emily made a soft noise of recognition.

"What?" Kat asked, turning toward the quieter girl.

"It's just…you're one of them, aren't you?" Kat looked confused, and Lily busied herself with fixing the girl's lip. "It's just that I've heard rumors at work, about some resistance group outside of the Ministry. You're a part of that."

Since that last bit wasn't a question, Lily didn't bother to answer. "Look, just promise me you'll both find somewhere safe."

* * *

Lily stayed long enough to help her flatmates gather their belongings and leave for their new lodgings with a list of defensive spells securely in hand. By then, enough time had passed to allow the adrenaline to leave Lily's veins, creating an empty space that was quickly filled with anger. She hurried up the stairs toward a flat that she hadn't visited in ages, slipping easily past wards that still remembered her. After relentless knocking on the nondescript door, it was pulled open by a confused and irritated Remus Lupin. But before he had time to comment on either her unexpected arrival or her terrible manners, she pushed past him, stepping into the flat and immediately finding who she was looking for.

"You have a tail," she all but spat.

From the couch, Sirius grinned bemusedly; beside him, Peter looked just as confused as Remus.

"Not right now I don't," Sirius answered with a wry grin, "but if you give me a min—"

He was cut off as he ducked to avoid the takeaway box that Lily'd grabbed from the endtable and chucked toward his head. "I came home to find Death Eaters in my  _flat_ , torturing my  _mates_  for information on me. You are the only link between them and my flat."

Sirius looked decidedly less amused at that, but it was Remus who spoke next. "Lily, Sirius followed you last night as Padfoot. Nobody knows about—"

"This morning, then," she interjected, not in the mood to be pacified.

"He apparated, of course. Why would he need to walk when he knew where he was going?"

"Er," Sirius spoke up from across the room. "Actually, I thought that walking would give me enough time to think over what to say." Silence greeted this admission, lasting for only moments before Sirius stood up. "Who were they?"

"Nott and some blond bloke I didn't recognize."

"Right, so probably Botner, then. Nott's just recruited him. If you'll excuse me…" and he headed past Lily and out the door, Lily presumed to tell the Order that he was being followed.

With the target of her anger gone, Lily suddenly felt awkward in the quiet room. "Hello, Peter," she said, just to break the silence. He nodded in return. Lily sighed wearily and rubbed at her face, finally taking a second to consider the reality of her situation. In particular, she considered where she was going to go next. Her flat was half-blown up and out of the question anyway; although her wards were powerful, her greatest strength lied in her disappearance. The Death Eaters have already proven that they're capable of getting through her defenses so long as they knew where to look. Without the Order backing her up, she wasn't going to be safe on her own.

And then there was the matter of the Order itself — they'll know where she is once they're informed of the attack. She could try to leave again, but — as much as she tried to pretend otherwise — it was hard enough to do the first time. Now that she's seen her friends again, she didn't know if she could stomach a second one-sided goodbye.

And then her thoughts were interrupted by Remus, and not for the first time in her life she wondered how he had gotten so good at knowing what others are thinking. "So…I guess you'll be staying on the sofa for a bit?"


End file.
